


Gatekeeper

by accidentaltsundere



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Child Abuse, Fear, Foster home, Foster kids, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-18 16:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3576546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accidentaltsundere/pseuds/accidentaltsundere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they first met, it was all innocence. It seemed as though nothing else bad could enter their already-ruined world. Little did they know this could never be true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Butterfly Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to all. I hope this is not too terrible, but it was an idea I got and wanted to try out. I hope this works out better than the last one, which I didn't really have any direction for.

When it all began, he was just a child.

A child of nine, with strikingly blue eyes and an unspoken beauty that seemed otherworldly.

He appeared at the doorstep one evening, when the wind was howling and the rain was pouring. His hair was whipping in the wind as he stood, like a valiant hero. Yet, he was small in stature and as thin as a starving kid, and he probably was starving. On his shoulders, a tattered blue backpack. On his feet, scuffed up black sneakers. Yet, there were traces of a smile in his dazzling cerulean eyes, and there was a glimmer of hope behind them. I knew from that moment on that Armin was special.

I was the only foster child left in the house then, besides Armin. We became close friends quickly, and soon I had discovered his loves, his hopes, and his dreams. He was a boy of superior intelligence, yet soft-spoken and shy. In fact, he did not speak much at all, but he had a unique way of expressing things without words. This was something I admired most about him.

We had two caretakers: Hange and Levi. Hange had a bit of an unhinged personality, but was nice nonetheless. She was betrothed to Levi, a man short in stature and in patience. He had an explosive temper that often caused him to lash out. Back when the rest of the kids had not been taken to rightful homes, he had been somewhat cheerful and content with his life. Now, though, some sort of existential crisis had robbed him of this contentment and changed him into a cruel, miserable man. He often left the house late at night. Back in those days, I did not know what the reason could possibly be. Later, I would know better than to be so naive.

Armin and I would lie awake together on those nights, with no cause of being afraid of the wrath of a set curfew. Hange was much more lenient. We would lie in our separate beds and I would do most of the talking, yet he would chime in when he wanted, and I simply adored his voice. Sometimes he read to me as well, when neither of us could fall asleep. My friendly feelings for Armin soon bloomed into love, but it was the kind of love only a child could experience; platonic and pure. He was all I had in my lonely world. The only light in my dark. I would sooner die than have him robbed from me as I had been robbed of everything else.

Levi soon noticed our closeness. This bothered him. Armin became uneasy. I told him not to worry, that Levi had only punished me for doing things that were very bad. How was I to know that I was wrong? I was merely a boy of nine.

The first incident was on a night when Armin was tortured with a nightmare and I was woken to him shaking me and crying, which was not a frequent occurrence for him. I invited him into my bed, and we held each other tightly, in fear of the demons of our dreams.

This was one of Levi's late nights. He had been awake and heard Armin's tears, and rushed into the room with no discretion. Armin gasped when the covers were ripped off of us, and an inebriated Levi began to scream and slur at us.

"You fucking faggots! This isn't your fucking bed, ya little prick!"

Armin was covering his ears, his eyes shut tight. My chest ached at the sight.

"Well? Whaddaya have to say for yourself, ya little sonofabitch?!" 

Armin was sobbing then, but he couldn't form the words to speak. I was frozen in my spot, paralyzed with fear. 

Thwack.

Armin's sobs halted with a choked gasp. Levi's footsteps staggered out of the room and the door slammed shut.

I did not sleep for the rest of the night. Armin did not move from that spot.

I was not present for the start second incident. But all of a sudden, there was a scream, and Armin was on his knees in the kitchen, being beaten with a spoon. After a few hits, he had barely even flinched. I was stood in the doorway, screaming for Levi to stop. But he wouldn't.

Without warning, he was yanking Armin by the hair towards the bathroom. I followed, running after the man who walked so briskly despite having such short legs. He pulled out a pair of scissors. I gasped, trying to stop this, but was only slashed with the scissors. The cut was not deep, but I cried out. Armin, who continued to wail, watched, in the bathroom mirror, in horror as his beautiful golden locks, which nearly reached his shoulders, were chopped into oblivion. What was left was a mess of uneven chunks, making him look like a tattered dandelion.

"Fucking pussy!" Levi had shouted at him. "That's what you get!"

I could not console him. I was just as scared as he. From then on, we lived in constant fear of Armin's beatings. We were forced to avoid each other, for his own protection. We were safe for a short while.

But then, one afternoon, Armin found a roomy closet and told me to meet him there in an hour. I did so, and made sure our rendezvous remained secret. There was nothing in that closet but a few cleaning supplies and extra blankets for our beds. Armin draped the blanket around us. It was cold in the house, and neither of us had a sweater. We sat with our knees touching and our arms around each other. I had missed my friend. I had missed his touch dearly. Armin caressed my cheek with his childlike gentleness. My eyes flitted closed at the soothing touch. Then I whispered, "Tell me a story, Armin."

He only got as far as once upon a time when the closet door creaked open and there Levi and Hange stood. Levi scrutinized us under his stern gaze. Hange was staring down at us, apologies riddled across her facial features. I glanced over at Armin. He was terrified. He had been betrayed by Levi's betrothed, the one he had trusted with his secret.

"Filthy faggots," Levi was muttering. "Didn't I warn you to stay away from each other?!"

Hange put a shaking hand on his arm. He swatted it away, and she flinched. There was a purplish bruise under her eye. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it.

"You think you can do whatever you want around here?!"

"They're just kids," Hange was saying, just a vague echo in the distance. "They're just kids..."

And it was true. We were just kids. Kids who were ignorant to the world around them. Kids who didn't know any better. Innocent children.

Levi ripped the smaller boy from my arms and threw him back down on the floor in the hallway with brute force. He was already crying. Levi began beating him senseless, and as the boy's wails increased in volume, he was only beaten harder. I sprang forward to intervene, unable to stand it, but I was swiftly pushed away. I could not do anything except watch helplessly, frightened, as he was treated with utmost cruelty.

• • •

It was night. Levi had gone, but we were not sure where. My hands were trembling as I bandaged some of Armin's more prominent wounds, after thoroughly rubbing them with peroxide. His tears had long since dried. All that was left was an empty gaze in his pale blue eyes.

"Are you hungry?" I whispered. He shook his head once. 

"But you never eat," I went on. "You have to eat." No response.

I sighed. "Please?"

A half-hearted shrug of the shoulders. It was better than nothing. I excused myself to fetch his food.

My mind was reeling. Why couldn't it have been me? Why was it always him? Why was it always his smile that was robbed? Why was the light always stolen from behind his bright eyes? His spark had gone dull. He was beaten because he was physically small, and weak. Yet he was so strong. It wasn't fair. When would I get my turn? I deserved it more than he.

A simple dinner. A barren sandwich of turkey and cheese. There wasn't much else I could prepare, or that he could stomach after such a brutal event.

One glass of chocolate milk. What a treat. It would most certainly lift his spirits.

Armin ate quickly and ravenously, barely giving himself a chance to breathe between bites. I handed him the milk, but he refused to have it on his own.

He spoke his first and last words for the day. "We can share."

This was even better. We hardly ever got treats such as this. We passed it back and forth between us until it was finished. We were satisfied. No going to bed hungry tonight.

I settled into my individual bed as Armin washed up in the bathroom. Soon he came in, in his tattered pajama shorts and a gray undershirt.

He crawled into bed next to me. I stared at him in shock. 

"Armin. Go sleep in your bed," I ordered. The blonde did not budge.

"Come on. Just go over there." It was not that I did not want him there. It was simply the fact that he would get punished if we were sleeping together.

Again, he stubbornly refused. He did not want my protection. His jaw was set and his eyes unyielding. He was staying.

"Are you cold?" I asked him. A single nod. I pulled the quilt closer around us.

"Better?" He shook his head. "We can't touch. We'll get in trouble."

Armin stared at me through wide, pleading blue eyes. I brushed his bangs away from his forehead, pressing a kiss that skimmed his milky white skin like butterfly wings. His eyes shut. He did not move too close, but his hand touched my arm, his fingertips brushing over it delicately.

"Go to sleep," I told him, running my fingers through his silky hair. He hugged his arms to his chest in a self-protective manner and nodded without opening his eyes. I watched him as he fell into a fitful rest. He was so thin; so vulnerable. His pale skin was dotted with bandaids from his various cuts and purple bruises from where he was senselessly beaten. Physically, Armin was fragile, but internally, he was a warrior. I missed his smile. I missed the light behind his eyes. From that moment onward, I swore to get my revenge on Levi.


	2. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin is growing more distant with time, but Eren is feeling a new kind of admiration for his best friend. As time progresses, all Eren can do is sit and watch his world unravel before him.

Time went on, and conditions remained unstable. Some days were worse than others. Then, suddenly, both of us were changing. We were thirteen, having grown with time and experience. Armin's childlike beauty had matured, and with our bodies changing and such, he became much more attractive.

I was lanky and awkward, and I was now trying to impress Armin, who had become so aloof at this point that he barely spoke a word, even to me.

A few new kids had moved in here and there, and cycled in and out, but for the most part, we remained friends solely with each other. Armin was very focused on reading books. When we were younger, he hadn't had access to them, but now he was going to the library almost daily, and devouring books more advanced than anything I had ever seen. He wanted to go to school most of all, and to learn with the other kids. Levi forbade us from going.

I wished we could too. Not just for Armin's sake, but for the sake of being normal kids.

Armin was teaching me how to read. I could barely even read a basic children's book. Every afternoon at three, we met in the kitchen to pore over a book. One word at a time, we would read a chapter a day, and I would learn something new. He found books about places in the world he wanted to go when he grew up, and he wanted me to come with him. When he talked about traveling to some of these places, his eyes sparkled and the faintest trace of a smile lit up his face. It was beautiful to see on him.

Armin was not getting physically harassed as much anymore. It had become much more verbal. Usually, he kept his head bowed and his expression neutral, not saying a word or expressing a single emotion as not to provoke the man even more. When he did get smacked around a bit, I was much taller and stronger than I had been as a child, and I often stepped in and got Levi to stop. Some of the other kids who had come and gone had teased him as well. I was always ready to defend.

He was only allowed to wear his hair to his chin, though, or else Levi would chop it to pieces as he had four years prior. I helped him cut it when it got too long, watching as the strands of golden blonde hair floated to the bathroom tile.

It was a breezy early autumn day and Armin and I were perched on the back porch for our reading lesson, since it was so nice out. I was reading to him as much as I could handle, but he would help me as needed. All the while I read, I was internally hoping he was proud of my progress. He seemed distracted however, and after a while of reading and glancing over intermittently for his approval, I faltered. He shot me a quizzical look, and I sighed.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

Armin shrugged, staring down at the ground. He scratched at his wrists. I studied him in the light of the orange sun. He was so thin, with his skinny thighs and bony knees. He never wanted to eat, always claiming he wasn't hungry. However, whenever I gave him food, he devoured it as if it were his last meal. I did not understand that about him.

"Tired?" I guessed. He hadn't been sleeping well lately; that much I knew.

Armin nodded, but his expression then suggested that that wasn't the issue.

"Tell me. Please..."

The smaller sighed, his shoulders slumping downwards slightly. I desperately wanted to pull him into an embrace, but he was less affectionate now as he had been in the past.

The screen door swung open then, and we both turned to find Hange, Levi's wife, standing in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest.

"It's time to bathe," she told us. Armin and I blinked. "Come on boys, get up." I scrambled to my feet. Armin didn't budge though. He was staring straight ahead, across the withered brown grass of the yard, at the street. There was a large, blue van barreling down the way.

"Didn't you hear me?" Hange quizzed, and when the boy offered no response yet again, she grabbed his arm and yanked him up to standing. He barely acknowledged this interruption. His eyes were out of focus, and his gaze distracted. Hange was examining his wrists for new cuts. I knew there were new ones. I had seen them.

"Can you borrow a long sleeved t-shirt from Eren? If Levi even gets a glance—"

"Don't remind him," I interrupted. "He knows."

Hange nodded hastily. "You're right. Well, come on."

Blue daggers shot through me as I sat in the bathtub. I looked up at Armin, who was sat at the side opposite me, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Do you want me to do your back?" I asked him, and he nodded. "Turn around for me?" Another nod. He turned his back to me and I picked up the bar of soap, starting to massage it into his skin. Some residual bruises from who-knows-when were fading, which was good. I made sure to be gentler in those areas, however.

"Hey, guess what? Hange told me that when Levi leaves for his trip in a few months, she'll take us to get burgers and then we can go to the carnival. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Armin nodded. With his hair this wet, I could see how long it was getting. I would have to cut it for him soon.

I rinsed his back until all the soap was gone. "Ready to get out?"

"M-hm." At his response, I pulled the plug on the drain.

• • •

It was five in the morning and we had a guest. The same blue van from the previous afternoon was parked in the street.

Armin was sleeping. I didn't want to wake him, since this was his first good night's sleep in a month. I crept out of our bedroom and peeked around the corner to see Levi, talking to a man in a long coat. I was curious now, so I watched as Levi handed him a wad of cash. A bribe, maybe? What could that be for?

He slammed the door shut, and as fast as I could without making a sound, I dashed into our room and under the covers.

What was Levi up to?


	3. Ferris Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange's proposal of a day trip sounds like a great escape to the boys. Yet there is no escaping Armin's underlying demons that are waiting to strike.

Armin and I were in the backseat of Hange's car as it sped down the highway. Not surprisingly, Armin was reading, and I was watching him read, because I had nothing better to do. I would've asked him to read to me, but he got too self-conscious speaking in front of Hange. Whenever he wanted to talk, he would whisper in my ear instead.

Hange stopped at a gas station for gas, and Armin had to pee, so I went with him.

While he was in the bathroom, I looked at snacks and such. I had five dollars to spend, so I decided to get something that we would share, and so I bought a huge slushie and a bag of chips.

Armin emerged from the bathroom and appeared next to me.

"I got us some snacks," I informed him. "We can share."

"Thank you," he whispered, grabbing the slushie from me and taking a sip. We headed back out to the car.

Approximately thirty minutes after this break, we had arrived. It was only about an hour trip. Armin and I were ravenous, though, despite the snacks we had gotten, and were dying for burgers. We devoured them once we got them. We hardly ever got treats such as these.

Then we went to the carnival. The rides were massive, which included a Ferris wheel, a roller coaster, and a tilt-a-whirl. Armin's eyes lit up when he saw all of this, and the first smile I had seen on his face in weeks—months, even!—was suddenly adorning his features.

Hange gave us some money and left us to our own discretion. We were so excited! Armin took hold of my hand, as he usually did when we were alone in public. I smiled to myself, but then turned to him. "Where do you want to go first?" I asked him.

Armin pointed to the roller coaster. "Oh, no, we just ate," I reminded him with a laugh. "Maybe we should play games first, and then rides."

Armin nodded in agreement.

We played games for almost an hour. I won him a stuffed panda bear, and he was delighted. He even gave me a hug, and of course my smitten pre-teenaged self started blushing like crazy.

After that, we went on the roller coaster (fun but terrifying), the tilt-a-whirl (I got nauseous after that one), one where you laid flat on your stomach and it went around and made you feel like you were flying, and more. By the time the sun was almost set, we had been on every single ride, twice, except for the Ferris wheel.

Armin was getting sleepy. I could tell. When I asked him about the Ferris wheel, though, he said he didn't want to leave without going on. It was a done deal.

Soon, we were high up in the air. I told Armin that Hange was sure to be looking for us, and he laughed. He actually laughed. It had been so long since he had done this.

I was completely overcome with emotion. This was the best day of my life! Armin was staring down at his lap, a vague smile tracing a curve on his features. Then his smile faded, and realization struck his face.

"What's—" The Ferris wheel lurched forward then, cutting off my train of thought. Armin started to squirm in his seat.

"I want to get down," he whined, anxiety deep in his tone. "I want to go home."

"We have to wait until it stops, okay?" I told him, keeping my voice as calm and reassuring as possible. "It'll be over soon."

The rest of the ride was spent in silence, and I could feel Armin's frustration building up steadily until we were finally back on the ground, and he bolted away in the other direction without warning. There was no use screaming for him to wait up. I knew he wouldn't stop. I caught up to him and grabbed his arm, gently, as not to startle him. He was startled anyway.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "You're agitated all of a sudden. Did something happen?"

Armin shook his head. There were tears streaming down his face now. It had been ages since he had last cried.

There was a desperate sort of pleading in his eyes, and I wasn't sure what it meant. "Do you want to just go find Hange?" I concluded, and he nodded.

Hange was waiting for us at the entrance. Armin was still crying, which alarmed her.

"What happened?" she asked, more to me than to him.

"I don't know. Let's just go home. We're tired."

The car ride home was spent in silence. It seemed a lot longer with the tense atmosphere. Armin dozed off quickly, and when we pulled up in the driveway of the only home we knew, I shook him awake. He could only open his eyes halfway, and his head fell to the side. I helped him to his feet and into the house, and then into his nightclothes. The day had worn him out. He was sleeping again in an instant.

• • •

Levi returned two days later. Armin hid his new stuffed animal under his bed so that it wouldn't be found and he wouldn't be punished. Hange told us that we were not to speak a word of our visit to Levi. Upon his return, they disappeared for a while, and Armin and I remained in our room. The water bill hadn't been paid, and our water had been shut off. Neither of us had showered in two days, and so Armin was agitated. He was itching for a bath, literally. He kept scratching his body all over. I could not get him to stop by regular means, so instead I took two socks out of the drawer where he kept his clothes and put them over his hands. Then Armin wanted to play cards. I took them out of the shoebox under my bed where we kept all of our paraphernalia that Levi would confiscate otherwise.

"What should we play?" I asked him. Armin's indignant expression changed to one of consideration.

"Go fish," he decided.

We played for an hour. Then there was a tentative knock on the door.

"Come in," I called, knowing that Levi would have barged in without a care.

Hange stood in the doorway, her clothing rumpled and her hair a downright mess. There were red marks all over her visible skin. Armin's eyes went wide at the sight of her.

"Levi is asking for you two," she said curtly. "Armin, take those socks off of your hands."

"He can't or he'll scratch himself," I informed Hange. "What does Levi want?"

"Just get out here. He's not in a good mood, don't aggravate him even more."

Armin and I scurried out of the room at her words. Levi was waiting at the end of the hallway, in his customary brown jacket and black pants. His hair was slicked back with gel.

"Hello, boys," he said smoothly. "Did you behave while I was gone?"

"We're not five," I blurted out, and immediately regretted it. Armin was visibly trembling beside me.

"Shut up," Levi snapped. "Why do you two look so dirty?"

"The water bill hasn't been paid," Hange answered, on our behalf. "They haven't been able to bathe. I'm going to go tend to that now, if you don't mind."

She took her leave.

Levi rolled his eyes in utmost annoyance, but then his gaze flitted towards Armin. Something hostile, while simultaneously satisfied, settled over his features.

"What've you got on your hands, princess?" He started to walk slowly towards the blonde boy. I looked over at Armin. He couldn't form the words necessary for a response. He kept silent.

"Princess" was something Levi dubbed Armin to taunt him. I hated the way it sounded, and I hated the way it made the boy tense up in discomfort.

Armin's body went rigid as Levi neared too close, to the point where his face was just an inch from Armin's. He sneered.

"You're a fucking coward. Now tell me the truth. Did Hange take you two anywhere while I was gone?"

Armin shook his head, his eyes shut tight.

Levi snickered. "I think you're lying."

He was always too quick for me to stop him. He had Armin on his knees on the floor before I could even blink. He kicked him in the stomach.

"Leave him alone!" I shouted. Armin coughed, retching up a bit of his breakfast.

"You're disgusting," Levi snarled. "Clean up my floor, right now!"

Armin scrambled to his feet, hurrying off to get the cleaning supplies. While he was gone, I stared at Levi in utter repulsion.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked the shorter man. "What makes you think you can—"

My vision went white for a moment when he struck me. It wasn't often that I was the one that was hit, but I wish it was, for Armin's sake. He came back with a bucket full of soapy water and a rag. He was scrubbing away in an instant.

Hange returned, and I started to wonder just how it was always that she was conveniently absent when Armin was beaten and taunted.

"The water's back on," she announced. "Eren and Armin, go take a bath now, okay?"

Armin stumbled to his feet, dropping the rag in the bucket. Levi made no more comments. In fact, he left the area. Hange followed, and Armin and I went to clean ourselves.

• • •

It was the middle of the night and Armin was shaking me awake. I sat up with a start.

"What? What's wrong?" I gasped.

"I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?" he asked me. His tone was so desperate that I wouldn't dare refuse. I pulled the covers partway off of me to let him in. Armin immediately curled up close to me, and I tentatively wrapped my arms around his back.

"Why are you scared?" I asked gently. "Nightmare?"

Armin shook his head.

"It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it. You're okay though?"

He nodded.

We laid there in silence for a while. Then Armin's stomach growled, a loud sound that cut through the quiet.

"I'm hungry," he whispered. I laughed.

"We can't eat right now. Do you want me to get you something to drink?"

Armin nodded. "I want milk. Be fast."

I crept down the hallway with utmost caution. If I was too loud, I would wake Levi up, and Armin was alone in our room. I wouldn't be there to protect him.

I poured Armin a glass of milk and hurried back to our room. Armin was sitting up in my bed, and took the cup from my hands, gulping it down eagerly. He thanked me, and then we crawled back under the covers and fell asleep in each other's arms.


	4. Camp Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Eren looks on Armin in these fleeting moments, his emotions are so overpowering that he feels dizzy. Yet he knows that what he wants is something they can never have.

Levi and Hange decided it was a good idea to send Armin and I to camp. We were fourteen, having suddenly become bored, hormonal teenagers who complained a hell of a lot more because we had nothing to do.

It sounded like the worst idea ever. Armin and I never actually interacted with other human beings besides each other. No other kids had moved in recently, either, so we had just become worse. Armin could hardly speak to human beings in general, either, so how was he going to fend for himself without me literally right by his side? It was a terrible idea.

But then we thought about being away from Levi for six weeks, and the idea sounded like the greatest thing ever. Of course, if we had shown we were that excited, Levi would have withdrawn his proposal in an instant. But we told him we were okay with it. And then suddenly, we were going to camp.

That morning, Armin and I made sure we had everything. He was cranky, since he hadn't really slept the night before. We were excited though, and when we went out to the curb to wait for the bus, we chattered amongst ourselves. Then the bus pulled up. It was a huge and dark green with the camp name on the side: Camp Palos. There were thirty or so kids in the bus already, peering out the windows at us. Armin let me go ahead of him, and I swung my bag over my shoulder and climbed up the steep steps of the bus. Armin followed close behind me. A lot of the other kids fell silent as we boarded, and we headed to the first seat we saw available—in the back.

Across from us sat a boy and a girl, sharing earbuds. In the seats in front of us were a bunch of teenagers hitting each other with their various sacks and such. The bus began to move, barreling down the street at great speeds. I had never been on a bus before, and neither had Armin. It was rather shaky, and there weren't any seatbelts. The blonde boy was too busy to notice, however. He was already lost in a book.

The bus ride was three hours long. Armin curled up into my lap an hour and a half in and went to sleep. I had nothing else to do, so I resigned to counting the cars that passed. And then various signs. And then trees, which was impossible, considering they all passed by in a blur. I attempted to read the book Armin had been reading, historical fiction about the civil war, but I found myself bored too quickly. Our arrival at camp couldn't have come any slower. I shook Armin awake as the bus lurched to a stop. He sat straight up, his head snapping to the window, where there was a banner that read, Welcome Campers! He turned back to me and grinned, which was contagious enough to cause me to grin right back.

"Are you excited?" I asked him. He nodded eagerly.

We already knew we would be in the same cabin. Hange had specially requested it, telling them that Armin basically needed me to function. It was sort of true. He shut down when I wasn't around, and plus, I needed to be there to communicate for him.

We were in cabin number six. There were four bunk beds, meaning we would have six roommates. When we headed over there, only three of our other six cabinmates were sitting in their respective beds. All three of them had already become acquainted, and were playing cards. They all looked up when Armin and I entered.

"Hello," one boy said. He had glasses and ruffled, dark hair.

"Hi," I replied. "Uh...so can we take any bunk?"

Another one of the boys stood up. "You can take that one, or that one...not this one or the on next to it, unless you and your friend want to get separated." All the while he was talking, he had been pointing to the available bunks.

"Alright then," I answered. I turned to Armin, who pointed to the one nearest the corner. It looked pretty good to me, and so we claimed it as our own. Armin was scrambling up the ladder to the top bunk before I could speak a word. Of course, I let him have it without an argument.

Armin came back down to the bottom bunk and plopped himself down next to me, beginning to read his book where he left off. I read over his shoulder, too, though much slower than him; that much I knew. I could feel the other boys' stares, however, and I glanced up to see them all looking at us.

"Aren't you gonna introduce yourselves?" the same dark-haired boy from before asked us.

"Okay," I answered, shrinking under their austere gazes. People could be so intimidating. "I'm Eren. I'm fourteen. And this is Armin. Also fourteen. He doesn't talk much, so...don't try to force it out of him."

Armin waved tentatively.

The other boys introduced themselves. The dark haired boy was named Rafi, another one of the boys, who had red hair and green eyes was named Russell, and the last boy, with carmelly-brown skin and brown eyes, was named James. They seemed nice enough, and didn't mind the closeness between Armin and me, since his social anxiety got the best of him, and he became clingier.

One by one, the other three boys entered. There was Marco, with freckles and a friendly demeanor, Bertl, also friendly but very tall, and finally the last boy, Jean.

After settling in, they called us to the mess hall to eat. Armin and I were starving. We had not had enough time to eat breakfast that morning.

Down in the mess hall, I piled my plate with food. Armin, always too afraid that he would eat too much, chose only a bit of food, to which I added onto from my own plate. We took a seat with our cabinmates, and eating commenced.

After we ate, we waited an hour before it was announced that we were to swim. When I consulted Armin about how he felt on the matter, he informed me that he didn't think he could expose himself in such a way. Not only was he extremely thin and pale, but he also had bruises all over his back and stomach that would be rather hard to explain to others. He had already gotten some strange looks for his cuts, that went from his wrists all the way up his forearms. Armin was rather self-destructive.

Instead of telling the counselors the truth, I told them that neither Armin nor I could swim. She simply sighed and dismissed it, and so we sat on the edge of the dock in our t-shirts and shorts, with only our feet in the water.

There was something wistful in Armin's eyes as he watched them, though, and I felt sorry for him. This ended up in me nudging him and whispering, "Let's sneak out after dark and swim on our own." He got a sudden spark of rebellion in his eyes and nodded.

And so we did. At lights out, Armin and I crept out of our cabin and dashed towards the lake, stripping ourselves of our clothes as we went. Soon we were in nothing but our underwear, and we were waist-deep in the water. Then chest-deep, and then finally, neck deep, until we couldn't touch the bottom anymore. The water felt cool against the heat of my skin, and I savored the feeling. Armin was swimming around and giggling, and upon watching him then, my heart swelled with joy, and I wanted very badly to take his hand and run, run far away from everything we knew and start a new life together. We could be anything. We could be savages in the forest if we wanted. And it wouldn't matter. We were both so broken anyway.

After our swim, we got out and gathered up our clothes which were strewn across the ground. Since neither of us had taken our shower today, while the other boys and girls were, we decided to take ours then.

There was running water at the camp, and the showers were divided into stalls. We both went into one.

We were never uncomfortable stripping down in front of each other. Now was no exception, except for the slightly sensual way in which Armin stared at me as he removed his underwear, and held my gaze as he switched the water on.

I had the soap bar. When the water warmed up, Armin grabbed me by the waist and yanked me under it. This took me by surprise, but I did not resist. He pressed his forehead against mine, his blue eyes staring straight into mine.

Then, suddenly, we were kissing each other without a single thought. The soap fell from my hands then, and Armin guided me closer to him by my waist, so that we were making maximum skin-on-skin contact. The water was pouring down from above us, and I couldn't tell if the wet feeling in my mouth was from Armin's tongue or from the water dripping down between us, but I didn't care. My hands were unsure, fluttering all over his body. It may have been getting a bit too rated R for two fourteen-year-olds; I was the first to realize this, as I pulled away from the rough, heated make-out session and tried in earnest to blink myself out of the haze that had settled over me.

Armin was trying to beckon me closer so he could kiss me again, but I shook my head. We still had to take our shower, as well as avoid getting too intimate in a shower stall at eleven o'clock at night when we should've been sleeping, let alone the fact that we were barely even teenagers.

The blonde cleared his throat. His hair was matted to his forehead.

I bent and picked up the soap bar, starting to lather my body. Once I had finished, Armin followed suit. He was watching me closely, almost warily, and I was starting to think I had done something to set him off. Whenever he became agitated, he refused to talk to me at all. I didn't know why. I knew that if he avoided talking to me then, it meant I had somehow screwed with his emotions.

We dressed in silence, and walked back to our cabin in silence. However, when we returned, one out of our six cabinmates was awake.

It was Jean. Once our eyes had adjusted to the darkness, we could see him perched on the bunk opposite ours, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Where have you two been?" he hissed.

"Out," I replied indignantly. "Why should you care?"

"It's eleven o'clock. What could you possibly have been doing?"

One of the other boys groaned from the other side of the room. "Just go the fuck to sleep," he whined. Jean huffed and turned his back to Armin and I, pulling his covers over his head.

The moon was bright tonight, and from where Armin was standing, I could see the conflicted emotions flashing across his face. Did he regret kissing me? I certainly felt conflicted about kissing him as well, so I didn't blame him. However, he just gave me a hug, as he usually would before we went to sleep, and I whispered, "Good night." He did not reply, and I wondered if it was only because he knew there were others listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all of the reads and feedback and such! I know I am not a very good writer, but I really wanted to explore this and I am so happy that people are actually reading this! Thank you all so much!


	5. Camp Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems that wherever Eren and Armin go, there is always someone wanting to hurt them. Who knew that camp could be a cruel place?

Neither Armin nor I spoke of the kiss for the rest of the week. The week went surprisingly well, though, and we both were having fun; maybe even making new friends with other campers.

However, this peace did not last. Someone had to break it.

It was swimming again and Armin and I were sat in our usual spot on the side of the dock. Nobody ever bothered us, and so we were left to our own devices. However, today was different.

Jean was storming over to our spot. I hadn't noticed his absence, as he was not present for most camp activities. There was a certain damper on his mood that day that was more severe than other days, which he had unleashed upon us that morning in our cabin. I couldn't help but sigh in exasperation.

"What do you want, Jean?" I asked him.

He sneered. "What are you two fags doing sitting on the side?"

Armin's eyes went wide. We had never heard anyone except Levi call us that, and although we didn't know exactly what it meant, we both had a terrible association with it.

"What did you just call us?!" I exclaimed, in disbelief.

"You heard me. Why aren't you swimming with the rest?"

I scowled. "Armin and I can't swim. Why do you care?"

Jean didn't answer. Instead, before I could even react, he had run up to Armin and shoved him off the dock.

Armin screamed before he disappeared under the still blue water. A bunch of other kids were looking over, confused by the commotion. First and foremost, before I kicked Jean's ass, was rescuing Armin. When his head popped up, he was visibly panicking and choking on water he had swallowed. I jumped in after him, letting the water consume me for a moment before I grabbed Armin by both of his arms and swam backwards until we reached the dock, and pulled him up as I clambered back onto it.

I was livid.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you asshole?!" I screamed at Jean. Armin was bent over on his hands and knees, struggling to clear the water from his lungs.

Jean was laughing like a deranged hyena. At this point, every camper in the vicinity was staring at us. There was a counselor running over from afar, and I recognized it to be the head. Jean sure was in for it now...

But then Armin was on his feet, a sudden wrath in his eyes. It was honestly terrifying, but by the time Jean noticed, it was too late. Armin had launched a punch that hit him square in the nose.

Everybody gasped. The head counselor had finally reached us, and Jean was doubled over in pain as Armin drew back his fist, a rather satisfied calm falling over his features.

The head counselor was a woman named Wendy with unruly hair and a perpetual smile. There was no smile on her face now, however, as she marched up to Jean, Armin, and me. There was blood pouring out of Jean's nose. Although I was shocked that Armin had acted out, which was very unlike him, I was also quite proud of the damage he had done to Jean.

"In my office. Now!" she screeched, and all three of us jumped at the intensity of her words. A few people behind us were snickering, and one glance in their general direction from Wendy had them quiet in an instant. We marched behind her to her office. Armin took hold of my hand. He was trembling. He had a hard time with authority figures.

All three of us were seated in her office in a heartbeat. Jean was holding a tissue to his nose and glaring daggers at Armin. The blonde was too nervous to do anything, however, except for stare down at his soaking wet sneakers. He was clutching my hand so tightly that his knuckles went white.

Wendy was staring at all of us with disapproval in her gaze.

"I should call all of your parents here and now," she stated flatly, and Armin hissed through his teeth. We both knew what that meant, and it would be bad for the both of us.

"M-ma'am, please don't," I began weakly. "We swear, we won't do anything like this ever again, and—"

"I don't want to hear it! If you start a fight at my camp, there will be inevitable consequences! To all of you!" She shot a pointed look at Jean, who had been arguing that he was merely a victim the entire walk to her office.

"Now. Before I call your parents. Tell me exactly what happened. I want to hear all sides of the story."

Of course, Jean did not include how he had called us fags, but he did admit to pushing Armin into the water, although he claimed that it was "all in good fun". I unleashed the beast with my side of the story, and when she looked to Armin, I told her I was speaking for the both of us. Then came the dreaded call.

Armin's breath hitched in his throat when Wendy began to dial the number of Levi and Hange's house. I was silently hoping that Hange would answer. If Levi picked up, it was game over. We would be sent home, and Armin would be brutally punished for getting into a fight that he did not start.

And then: "Hello?" Wendy said into the phone. "Yes, Miss...Hange, is it? I'm calling about Eren and Armin..."

I breathed out a sigh of relief, giving Armin's hand a squeeze. We were saved.

• • •

Armin was missing.

During dinner time, he had gone to the bathroom without me, and then disappeared. It had been a half hour since then, and I was beginning to feel uneasy. Armin and I were never apart for very long. I had checked the bathroom, but he was not there. He wasn't in our cabin either, or any supply closets. There were only two options left: the docks, or the woods.

All of my tension dissolved when I saw Armin perched on the same dock he had been pushed off of just a week before. His head was slightly bowed, and his legs were crossed. I could only see him from behind, however, so I did not know what he was thinking.

When I neared closer, however, I was able to peer over his shoulder and see that his eyes were shut. There was an expression of content on his face. He looked so...calm.

"What are you doing?" I blurted out, before I could consider the fact that he might want to be left alone.

Armin didn't flinch, or open his eyes. "Meditating," he said simply. "You can stay."

I took a seat next to him. His eyes flitted open then, and he gazed over at me with something unreadable in his eyes.

In the light of the setting sun, he was so beautiful to me. More beautiful than ever before. I thought back to when we were kids; when everything was so simple and pure, and then fast-forwarded back to the present. Armin, a boy of fourteen with slit wrists and a broken spirit. There were things he wasn't telling me, and I could see them hiding behind his eyes...and I wanted to kiss him again; I wanted to kiss away his troubles and his fears and let him know that I would never leave. I would never be like the rest.

Armin seemed so detached in that moment, however. He was staring out at the sun and looking so lost that it made my chest ache almost as much as it did whenever I saw Levi take advantage of him.

"So...is everything okay?" I asked the boy, who was tucking his hair back behind his ears. It had grown during these three weeks at camp. Luckily I had brought scissors to cut it, which I would be able to do before we returned home. But I was going to wait. I loved Armin's hair when it went past the point that Levi allowed it.

He nodded. Of course, I didn't believe him. I never liked to prod, though, because I knew it made him uncomfortable.

"Do you want to go back to the others now?"

To this, Armin shook his head. That was fine, though, because neither did I.

His hand came to rest on the small of my back, and he shifted so that he was facing me. I was staring into his eyes, and then suddenly, he was kneeling, and closing his eyes, and then he pressed his lips against mine.

I didn't know what to think of it anymore, except for the fact that maybe my matured feelings for Armin weren't so one-sided. This kiss was gentler and more chaste, however, but I noticed that Armin was shaking when he brought a hand up to cup the side of my face.

Despite the slightly more innocent nature of it, however, it was long. When we ran out of air, we pulled away. Armin stared down at the water for a long time before standing up, and I got up, too. We returned to the others.

We did not speak of it. We could not speak of it. We did not want to upset what we had created. All I knew for sure in that moment was that I had no regrets. And, hopefully, neither did he.


	6. Blooming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the blooming of new feelings comes the appearance of others. Eren learns this in a way he didn't expect.

Naturally, Armin and I did not continue our relationship, if you will, outside of camp. We knew it was there; we knew there was a tangible new reality for us both. However, we had to keep quiet about it, even if it was only expressed in the fleeting moments such as a kiss on the cheek before bed. We both knew what it would mean for us if Levi found out. Suddenly, we understood why we were called faggots.

And then I started to hate myself for it. I started to hate the fact that Armin was a boy and I liked him; I started to hate the fact that he had kissed me and that I'd had the audacity to kiss him back. Because once you had to accept defeat, who else was there to blame but yourself?

I shouldn't have been acting coldly towards Armin. But I couldn't help it. My skills at handling problems were all screwed up, so it seemed to be the right thing to do to protect him.

I was wrong.

It was before bed one night and Armin came over to say good night to me, brushing my hair back from my face to plant a kiss on my forehead. But I prevented him, pushing him back gently.

This set him off. I was not expecting it.

"Why do you keep ignoring me?!" he shouted. "Why do you keep pushing me away? I thought you liked me..." He trailed off, looking defeated suddenly. "I guess it makes sense that you don't. It's my fault for being gullible."

I was stunned into silence as he crawled into his bed and brought the covers up over his head. I could still see a bit of his blonde hair peeking out.

"Armin—"

"You don't have to talk to me. It's fine."

"But—"

"Go to sleep, Eren." His voice was icy cold. There was no use in trying to get through to him any more that night.

I couldn't sleep, however. Not when I knew what I had done. How could I forget how much Armin had been put through before? How could I make him think I was leading him on? I was horrible. As soon as I heard the sheets rustle that following morning, I knew I had to talk to him.

"Armin." I reached out from underneath the covers and fumbled for his wrist. He tugged away, and I heard his footsteps walk briskly towards the bathroom. The door shut quietly, and then I heard the click of the lock.

Great. Once he locked himself in the bathroom, he was definitely not coming out.

I still tried anyway. I got kind of scared leaving him alone in there, regardless of the current situation.

"Armin," I called, knocking on the door timidly. "Please let me in."

Dead silence. I swallowed hard before knocking again.

"Please?"

Armin sighed from the other side of the door. It then swung open, revealing the blonde in all his glory. There was apathy in his cerulean eyes.

"Are you okay? I'm really sorry," I said, and then waited patiently for a reaction.

Armin curled his fist at his side. He then uncurled it, and in one swift motion, smacked me across the face.

For a moment, his sudden outburst shocked me, even though they had been increasing in frequency since he had first punched Jean at camp. Then I realized his actions were justified, and I turned to leave.

I didn't get far, however. Armin was speaking.

"Eren! Wait..." He trailed off, and I turned around to face him again. There was remorse in his eyes, which were filling up with tears of distress. He sank to the ground until he was kneeling, and then hugged me around my legs, leaning his head against my thigh. His breathing hitched. The tears had spilled.

"I-I don't know why I did that," he choked out, his voice muffled. "Please don't hate me..."

I sank down to his level so that I could hug him properly, and assuage his fears of my hatred, which could never be true.

"It's okay," I murmured, stroking his hair slowly as he took in shaky inhales, and equally as shaky exhales. I kissed the tip of his earlobe, a fleeting gesture that I was sure he noticed. "I love you."

Armin tensed, and I realized I had never really vocalized this.

"...I love you too..."

We were silent for a few moments. Then Armin went on, "Why?"

I contemplated this. "I don't really have a reason. I just do. I would do anything for you."

Armin's grip tightened around me. We stayed like that for a while, until Hange knocked on the door to our bedroom, alerting us to wake up, and I stood and so did Armin.

We had breakfast in peace. Levi wasn't around. After Armin was finished eating, he put his plate in the sink, grabbed his book he had been reading, and went to the back porch. I finished up my breakfast a few minutes later and went to join him. I was a bit too late, however.

Levi stood before the blonde, holding his book with a sneer on his face. Armin's expression was blank. Levi was clearly drunk from the way he swayed where he stood, and then he began ripping out pages of the book.

"Stop it!" I screamed, and Levi finally noticed me. He just kept tearing out page after page, and Armin showed no response. He probably figured that fighting back would get him smacked around, so he just sat still, no emotions reflected on his face.

I, on the other hand, was livid. "Cut it out!" I screeched, shoving Levi backwards. The man lost his balance, and stumbled backwards, off of the porch. He landed in the dry grass with a thud.

For a moment, he did not stand, and my blood ran cold. But then he jumped to his feet in a fury that mirrored mine previously. I took Armin's hand and yanked him up to standing before Levi could come at us. We ran up the stairs as fast as we could and bolted the door to our room. The raven-haired man pounded on the door, screaming obscenities at us, and Armin just huddled close to me, trembling violently.

This did not last long, as Hange came over and managed to tame the man, and then we heard the back door slam closed. He had gone again. I tried my hardest to be relieved, but it was pretty hard to be. Armin was feeling the same way.

There was another knocking at our door. We both jumped.

"Eren and Armin," Hange's voice called. "Get ready, okay? We're gonna go out."

The two of us hardly ever got to leave the house, so we were ready to go as quickly as possible. Then we were in Hange's car, speeding down the highway.

I noticed the three, small suitcases sitting on the floor and in the passenger's seat. Armin's blue eyes were apprehensive.

"Wh-where are we going, Miss Hange?" Armin whispered, and I was taken aback that he had spoken in front of her, despite how quietly.

Hange smiled a bit, because she almost never got to hear Armin's voice. "Just away from there for a little while. It'll be good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly sorry for not updating this in so long! I had a huge block with it that I have, luckily, overcome! So I'll be updating this more frequently from now on. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the suspense ;)


	7. Nighttime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin is slipping away fast, and Eren can't stop it. Meanwhile, Levi is up to something that he can't seem to decipher.

Armin held my hand tightly as we entered the lobby of a mediocre hotel. Hange still had not explained the situation, but we both had suitcases, packed with all of our essentials. If it meant getting away from Levi, we were fine with it.

Before we knew it, Hange was ushering us into our own room. She told us that she would be down the hall if we needed her. Armin seemed frustrated, wanting to ask her what was going on but unable to find his voice out of anxiety for the new situation. Then she left us, and we were truly alone.

Armin sat on the clean white sheets and hugged his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. His ocean eyes bore into mine.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly. One nod. I didn't believe him, but I didn't continue to pry.

I entered the bathroom, which smelled of cleaning products and shampoo, and knelt by the pristine white tub. I plugged the drain and started running water for a bath.

I washed Armin's hair for him, massaging the shampoo into his scalp. As I was doing this, he spoke.

"Eren, can I ask you a question?"

"Anything," I answered, stopping my washing of his hair as he turned to face me, looking me dead in the eye.

"Are you sure you're not confusing your feelings for something else?"

I raised an eyebrow, confused at the context of his question. He had his arms crossed over his bare chest, and water dripping from his lashes like teardrops. So I asked him, "What do you mean?"

"You said...you love me, but...what if you don't?"

Looking upon him then, I saw that he really did doubt my confession. I knew nothing of his past, his past before me, but I could infer that it hadn't been good. Armin had been less damaged upon his first arrival than he was now, but he was never happy.

"I do. I really do," I insisted. "I know it's not a mistake. I've always loved you. Since we were kids."

Armin was silent. I didn't know what else to say to reassure him. I was afraid he would never believe me.

After we got out, we used the rest of the hotel bathroom accessories. Armin loved the way the lotion made his skin so smooth. It was kind of adorable, and would've been more than just kind of if I hadn't been so bothered by his comment.

I couldn't sleep that night. Armin seemed to be able to, however, curled up in a ball against me. Being away from Levi must have relaxed him. I was grateful for that. He hardly ever slept. The bags under his eyes seemed to be permanent.

I was still awake when a nightmare wracked his body, making him writhe and whimper. I was even more awake when he sat up with a gasp, struggling to regain his breath, one hand clutching his chest. I pulled him to me and his breathing slowed, and his shaking ceased.

"Bad nightmare?" I asked, running a hand through his hair. He managed a nod. I glanced over at the clock as an afterthought. It was two in the morning.

Armin didn't fall asleep again. Since I couldn't either, I asked, "Do you wanna take a walk?"

Armin agreed, and so we set out.

The city was quiet at night. The stars shone bright along with the streetlights, and every so often a car zoomed by.

The blonde was staring down at the ground, most likely counting the cracks in the sidewalk. He had a habit of doing that. It was a coping mechanism.

"So...how are you feeling about all of this?" I asked. "I mean—if you don't wanna answer, that's fine." He hadn't spoken a word since our conversation in the bath.

He shrugged and continued walking. He clearly didn't want to talk. Sometimes, communicating with Armin was hard. I was constantly trying to get him to reveal things that he didn't have the capacity to even say out loud. It was my fault that he didn't feel loved. I knew then that I should have been reminding him of this fact before. Now, when he needed it the most, he couldn't even accept it.

We walked along for what felt like hours but what was merely minutes. Then Armin got visibly nervous about the atmosphere of the street during the night, and so we headed back.

Later that morning, Hange was knocking loudly on our door. We were told we needed to go back home, because Levi had cooled off but we needed to get back before he did.

Hange, encouraged at Armin's speaking to her the previous day, asked him if he had slept well. He just shrugged, still staring out the window, and she visibly deflated at the attempt. I wanted to tell her not to take it personally; I wanted to tell her that Armin was struggling and that any amount of conversation would not help. But instead, I said nothing. He was still there, and he was still an intelligent human being with feelings. I wasn't going to ignore them.

We pulled up in the driveway just five minutes before Levi arrived. Armin raced inside without a single cue as to where he was going, leaving Hange and I alone. I unbuckled my seatbelt and went to follow him, but Hange stopped me with, "Eren wait," and so I froze in place.

There was desperation in her eyes, which caused me to become a bit nervous, but then she was continuing. "Can you please just tell me how Armin is doing? I'm so worried about him, and he won't talk to me. Every time I see those wrists I just...I feel so awful and guilty for letting some of those things happen and..." Hange trailed off, wiping away some of the tears dripping from her eyes. Awkwardly, I patted her on the shoulder from my place in the back. "You know, when I first found Armin, he was just this scared little boy. He didn't trust anyone. When I finally coaxed him into talking to me, and I asked him how he felt, he said he felt empty. What nine year old says something like that? I was so alarmed I...I don't know...but he just...he's so aloof and I wish I could help him..."

I chewed my lip. "Me too," I whispered, and Hange took a shaky breath in, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue from her purse.

"I'm sorry, Eren," she apologized, and I just shook my head in a way to assure her it was fine. We both exited the car, Hange's heels clicking on the pavement, and my beat up sneakers slapping down beside her.

• • •

Whenever Armin slept alone, he clutched the medium-sized stuffed panda bear I had won for him when we were thirteen. Tonight was no exception. The covers only covered him up to his waist, and his t-shirt was riding up to reveal his back, and a very new bruise, splotchy on his milky-white skin. I didn't even stop to think about when it could've happened. All I felt was scorn for Levi for harming him, and then scorn at myself for not being there.

The slam of the front door caused me to jump. Armin continued to breathe softly, not awoken by the interruption. I, on the other hand, went to see what was happening, peering out my window to see a familiar blue van barreling down the street. I opened our bedroom door ever-so-slowly to see Levi, walking up the stairs with a bag of something in his hand. I sprinted back to my bed and slid under the sheets, pretending to be asleep as his footsteps neared closer.

I heard the crinkling of the bag, and then his footsteps creaking on the hardwood floor, deliberately making his way to the end of the room, where we slept. My eyes flitted open, unable to contain my curiosity, to see him gazing upon Armin, back to my bed. I wasn't sure what he was doing, and I was ready to pounce if he dared try anything, but then he just made a "tch" sound under his breath and proceeded to stomp out. My eyes remained transfixed upon the bag.


	8. Barriers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things between Eren and Armin are far from mended. Confusion and fear reign over their relationship, along with the consequences of Armin's damaged spirit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the positive feedback on this story! I'm so excited at the amount of reads and attention it has been getting! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, sorry it's been a little while but I promise I won't neglect it again. ;)

The following summer brought gifts. Hange gave me a skateboard and Armin a bike. We were delighted.

We had kept in touch with a friend from camp. Mikasa was her name. She lived ten minutes from us, it turned out, and so Armin and I frequently traveled to her house. Armin picked up the skill of bikeriding quickly. As for me, I was clumsy and awkward, even more so than I had been the year before. Often times, my attempts at skateboarding would be catastrophic. Whenever I got too frustrated, Armin would let me ride on his handlebars. The wind would whip through our hair and we felt like we were flying.

When we arrived at Mikasa's house, we would always spend our days in her backyard. She had a huge garden full of colorful flowers that Armin was frequently drawn to. I would sit there with him, and we would talk and sometimes chase each other, trying desperately to recreate the childhood we had lost.

One of those days, the ice cream truck came by. We never had treats as lavish as ice cream, so of course we got some, and Mikasa paid for us. She allowed us to eat inside, as she was still tending to her garden outside and let us know she would be inside in a few minutes.

Inside, Armin and I sat on the floor in her hallway. There was a step that divided her kitchen and living room, which was where we were. Armin was devouring an ice cream bar full of chocolate, and it was getting everywhere around his mouth. When he had finished, holding the tan stick in his hand, having licked that clean, I reached out to wipe the chocolate from around his mouth. He flinched, rearing backwards. I drew back, and he gave me a weird look.

"What?" I asked, because I really did not know. Ever since a certain point, Armin had become very uncomfortable with us making physical contact. Of course, I respected that, but I hadn't considered this to be a big deal.

"What are you doing?" he asked slowly. He had his knees drawn up to his chest again; a protective gesture.

"You have chocolate all around your mouth. I was gonna wipe it off."

"I can do it." His tone expressed no emotion. He swiped his hand over his face and scrubbed at the spots where the chocolate was until they were gone. He wouldn't look at me then, and I wondered if now would be a good time to ask him if I had done anything to make him feel this way around me. It had sort of come out of nowhere.

"What's wrong with you?" I blurted out, and immediately regretted it. I hadn't meant it like that. I could see the considerable amount of hurt flash across Armin's face, before he hugged his knees to his chest even tighter.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly, and the quality of his voice made me regret it even more.

"N-no, I didn't—" I began, but Armin started to stand up. In a panic, I stood too, reaching out and grabbing his wrist. He tried to pull away, but I tightened my grip. If only I had known how that made him feel.

"Eren, please let me go," he whined, and I could see the tears spilling onto his cheeks. I had never been the one to make Armin cry before, and so I panicked even more.

"Wait, listen to me! I didn't mean to say that! Don't go!"

Armin fled anyway, and at the slam of the door I couldn't help but feel an awful weight bearing down upon me. I had messed up, badly.

Two minutes later, Mikasa walked in. She had a strange look on her face.

"How come Armin just ran down the sidewalk crying?" she asked me, her arms crossed. I swallowed hard.

"I-I just—I don't know what happened..." I trailed off with a sigh. Mikasa came up closer to me.

"Armin's a strange kid, isn't he? Do you have any idea why?"

I shook my head. The guilt was gnawing at me, but I didn't know what I could say, or what I should say. So I kept quiet.

I took the bike home. Armin was long gone. I just hoped he had made it safely.

To my relief, when I burst through the door to our bedroom, Armin was lying underneath the covers of his bed, his blonde hair peeking out. I wasn't sure if he was sleeping or not.

"Armin," I spoke. I was met with empty silence. "Armin, please."

When there was still no answer, I went on anyway. "I just...wanna talk to you."

Armin sat up then, throwing the covers off of him. His eyes were red-rimmed. He rubbed at them furiously. I couldn't help but glance at his wrists. There were fresh cuts on them. The guilt hit me harder than a freight train.

"I'm sorry, Eren," he mumbled, not looking at me. "I'm sorry I make everything worse, and I'm sorry for making you hate me."

I came over from where I stood, and before he could protest, I wrapped him up into a hug. He didn't return it. "Armin, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Please understand that," I whispered. "I love you."

With those words, he pushed me away completely. "No, you don't!" he exclaimed, surprising me. His normally soothing ocean eyes had caught fire. "You don't love me! You're just saying that so you can take advantage of me!"

"Armin—"

"They always say that! Everyone always says that! And...I let my guard down..." He sank to his knees on the floor. "I'm so tired of this."

It was in my nature to hug him to comfort him, but I knew he wouldn't want that. I felt so helpless. I had never felt so helpless in dealing with Armin before. Usually he would come to me when he was feeling upset, but now he thought he had no one.

"I promise, I'm not trying to take advantage of you," I tried. "I swear on my life. You mean everything to me, and I wasn't trying to hurt you when I said I loved you, I was just trying to tell you how I felt..."

Armin, doubt still flickering in his eyes, stared at me. "I want to believe you, it's just..." He scrubbed at his eyes. He was not crying anymore, however. "I can't."

Instead of me initiating the contact, to my surprise, he did, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I was both relieved and alarmed, but I returned the gesture, pulling him as close to me as possible.

"Did you cut yourself because of me?" I asked softly, breathing in. He shook his head. "Are you sure? You can be honest." He nodded to let me know that he was sure.

It was times like these that I missed when Armin had been happier.

Hange made us dinner after Levi left to go to the bar. It was one of the best meals we'd had in a while. Armin ate solemnly, every so often scratching at his wrists. I couldn't stop looking at those wrists for some reason. I just felt like I had wronged him in some way, leaving him to run home in tears and destroy himself even further.

After dinner, we were watching a movie together, curled up underneath a large blanket. Armin was leaning heavily against me, situated in my arms. We were both sort of sleepy, eyelids heavy, but this changed when Armin turned to me, his face close to mine. Even in the darkness, I could see his piercing cerulean eyes, staring straight through my emerald ones. Then he closed the gap, smashing our lips together gently, and then more roughly, and I kissed back, hands shaking as I grabbed his hips to bring him closer to me. We hadn't kissed since camp, on the dock, and we hadn't made out like this since the shower, except this was less raunchy.

We didn't pull apart for a while, maybe a minute. Armin wiped his mouth and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. We both breathed heavily for a few seconds before regaining control. I said nothing, and neither did he. He just situated himself as he had been before, and we continued to watch the movie we had lost interest in.


	9. Face Value

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While on an innocent venture out of the house, Eren uncovers a truth he wishes he never had.

Morning came, but we did not speak of the previous night's events. Communication was not a strong point between the two of us. I knew Armin didn't have an easy time with spoken words, but I wished we could have what we lacked.

There was a pounding on our bedroom door and I saw Armin start underneath his blanket shelter. Before I got a chance to call out in answer to the abrupt knocking, Levi burst into our room, surprisingly sober for once. Armin did not emerge from the blankets.

Hange followed close behind him, wringing her hands with a strained look on her face. Levi yanked the covers off of Armin's head, revealing the trembling blonde, vulnerable once exposed to the raven-haired man.

Levi did not make any moves to hurt him, however. He just made that "tch" sound again and spoke.

"Get ready. We're going out."

I wasn't sure why Hange was shuffling her feet side to side in discomfort, or why Levi directed a particularly nasty glare at her as they left the room, but any chance to get out of being cooped up in the house was a chance we grasped eagerly.

Armin stripped himself of his pajama shirt and shorts, throwing them to the floor. His back was turned to me, revealing all of the ugly bruises, but I wasn't focused on those. He was most beautiful at fifteen, I concluded. There was a graceful maturity about his features, but yet he retained the innocent beauty he had worn so freely as a child.

Armin ended up in a baggy maroon sweatshirt that I soon realized belonged to me, and black skinny jeans. It hadn't been a particularly warm summer, so this wouldn't cause him to get too hot. As for me, I threw on a long-sleeved white t-shirt and cargo shorts. We owned an almost identical pair of sneakers, but luckily Armin was a seven while I was a nine. We were ready at once, standing at Hange's car in a flash. Levi was never the one to take us places, so we found it a bit odd that he was leading this expedition. But again, we thought nothing of it, besides an escape from the eternal boredom of the house.

Armin and I settled into the backseat, and the blonde sat next to me in the middle, as usual. I generally took the window, and he didn't mind. While Levi fussed over the various parts of the car, Hange stared out into the yard, still unusually tense. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I didn't feel like getting screamed at by an already fired-up Levi. Armin must have sensed my distress, because he linked his fingers with mine, placing his other hand on top for a moment before returning it. I glanced up at him and found my mouth stretching wide into a grin as I saw the faint traces of a smile reach his eyes, just barely dancing across his lips. But it was a smile, nonetheless, and a genuine one.

We were soon speeding off towards the unknown. Armin and I had no idea where it was we were going and Hange's anxiety towards the situation wasn't helping ours. Levi eventually got tired of her behavior, because he snapped at her to "stop it" and Armin tensed considerably.

After ten minutes of driving we pulled up at the curb of a rickety old house with an eerie vibe, but not the eerie vibe one would get upon seeing a haunted house. This had a different feel to it, and the gray sky increased my unease. There were three cars in the driveway, and one of them seemed familiar, but my mind was not registering it. I was tempted to ask where we were but I still had a considerable amount of trouble speaking to Levi.

The raven-haired man turned around, no expression on his face. "Armin, come with me," he said, his tone surprisingly even. I looked over at Armin, who didn't move from his spot, an equally blank slate for a face. After a few more seconds of this, Levi lost his patience again.

"Get out of the fucking car! We're going!"

With that, the blonde raced to open the car door and get out as soon as possible. For a moment I was frozen in place, unsure of whether or not I should protest and try to go with them, but then the door slammed in my face and locked. I watched as they crossed the grass into the driveway, weaving in and out of the cars. I saw Levi put his hand at Armin's lower back as he ushered him onto the porch, and something about that gesture made my skin crawl.

The screen door banged shut, nearly falling off of its hinges in the process.

"Where's he taking Armin?" I questioned, the uneasy feeling in my gut not subsiding.

Hange didn't answer, just hid her face in her hands. All of this is what motivated me to unbuckle my seatbelt and sprint inside. The screen door remained unlocked.

I proceeded through the house upon entering. I could hear distant voices at the end of the dark hall. I had to step around broken glass and various strewn clothes until I reached the source of the sound. I could decipher Levi's voice, along with a deeper man's voice.

I approached the looming entrance, which was opened a sliver, the light from the room filtering into the hallway. I peered inside to see more clothing and trash strewn about the wood floor. It was a mess. Levi sat at a table with plastic bags filled to the brim with white powder in stacks before him. A taller man with mussed up, dirty blonde locks and stubble all about his face paced the small expanse, irritation evident in his features. Nearby him were three mattresses stacked and pushed up against the wall. Armin stood near Levi's chair, looking smaller than usual, his arms crossed over his chest, and chewing his lip in utter anxiousness.

"Is this the best stuff?" Levi inquired, sounding annoyed as well. He lifted up a bag before carelessly throwing it back down onto the table.

"The best I have. How much you got for it?" the man asked, and I saw that he was smoking something. He took a giant inhale, savoring it, before blowing out slowly.

Levi dug around in the pocket of his pale blue jeans and conjured up a wad of money. "I'm a little short on cash today." He nudged Armin forward. "I'm sure he can help with that."

The tall man beckoned Armin towards him, and the blonde boy walked a few steps closer, his head bowed. "Chin up," the man said forcefully, and he did as he was told. He looked Armin up and down, very thoroughly, before nodding.

"Alright. Kid, take that off." He gestured to Armin's sweatshirt. When the boy didn't react to this, Levi added, "Do as he says." He wasn't looking towards the scene, and rather was focused on handling the bags of powdery white substance.

Armin removed the maroon sweatshirt, tossing it to the side. He made him undress fully until he was only in underwear. The tall man, who was now seated on the mattresses, reached out and grabbed Armin by the hips, yanking him towards him, hands roaming along his body. The blonde boy flinched, but did not fight it.

The man stood. "Get on the bed," he ordered. When Armin wasn't quick to react, he smacked him across the face. "Do what you're told!"

He complied, and the large man started undoing his pants. I was frozen in my spot. I couldn't move. It hit me that I had to intervene, but my limbs were betraying me. Levi just sat at the table, counting bags of white powder. Armin was pinned down by his wrists, eyes squeezed shut tight but not daring to resist. It was in that moment that I realized that I needed to do something.

I dashed out, light on my feet, and pounded on the passenger's side window, where Hange was sobbing into her hands. I tried the handle, but it was locked, so I tried the backseat one. I managed to fall into the leather and scramble up to the driver's seat, prying Hange's hands away from her face. "Please," I begged. "Armin—they're gonna—"

Hange just continued to wail.

"Hange, why are you crying?!" I exclaimed, demanding an answer. "I need your help!"

The brunette just shook her head.

Concluding that she was no help, I exited the car once again, going back inside. At the end of the hall, the door was all the way shut. I tried the handle but found that it was locked. All I could hear were horrible sounds—quick, rhythmic grunts from the taller man and tiny, anguished cries from the blonde.

I bolted outside again.

I was a coward.

Hange had collected herself by the time I returned to the car, buckling myself back in. I said nothing. Neither did she. We sat in silence for a few more minutes until the screen banged open again. Levi stepped out, a black duffel bag around one shoulder. He was gripping Armin's arm and pulling him along forcefully.

He went around to the trunk and threw the bag in before settling back into the driver's seat. Armin went around to his side of the car, except that instead of sitting in the middle, he stayed on the far side.

I couldn't help but steal a glance over at him. He clutched his stomach as if he were in physical pain, and his cerulean orbs were still wet with tears. His golden locks were disheveled, but he didn't bother fixing them. I found myself unable to look for long at him without an unbearable wave of nausea washing over me.

My gaze remained fixed on the blur of passing scenery for the remainder of the car ride. Armin was no different.

We were ashamed.


	10. Solemn Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer has long gone, and the bitter cold of autumn is settling in. The distance between Armin and Eren has not lessened, and Eren can't help but worry about what this means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am infinitely sorry for abandoning this story for as along as I did! I promised I wouldn't do that again, but life got crazy and I kind of forgot about this. I hope this chapter makes up for it, thanks for being patient and I hope that you enjoy!

It had been months since Armin last spoke, and the silence was deafening. He hadn't uttered a single word to me, and quite frankly after a while I had stopped trying to engage conversation.

He didn't expose himself at all around me anymore, locking himself into the bathroom when he needed to bathe or change clothes. Most times he refused to eat, and when he gave in he barely ate half the plate. At the times where he had nothing else to do, he would sleep. He barely looked at me anymore, let alone talked to me. He had shut himself out—he was numb again.

And the only person to blame was me.

Morning arrived on the third of November, and I woke with the realization that Armin was now sixteen. Birthdays for us had always been spent in secrecy, as acknowledging a special day each of us had might anger Levi. Hange knew, however, and every year since Armin had arrived she would wait until Levi went to the bar and give each of us a treat, and whoever's birthday it was would have a candle. I always wished for a way out of the situation, and for freedom. I used to wonder what Armin wished for, but now I could only guess.

There was a soft knocking on our door that could only be Hange's doing. "Eren and Armin? Are you awake?" she called tentatively.

"Come in," I called back, not answering her question.

The brunette woman entered with a caution, glancing around the room as if searching for something hidden. "Is Armin awake?"

I shrugged, not exactly wanting to visit that particular subject.

However, neither of us had to wonder anymore, as Armin sat up, rubbing his puffy eyes. Hange's entire face changed, going from fearful to cheerful in seconds.

"Happy birthday!" she exclaimed. "Is there anything you'd like me to do for you today?"

Armin shook his head, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin there, his empty gaze focused on the wall directly next to Hange. Her smile faltered, and I could see the regret flash across her face.

"Uh...I made breakfast for when you two want it. I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything." She shut the door again, and I could hear her footsteps hurrying off, away from the scene.

Armin sighed softly and the sound pierced something inside me. He sounded too hopeless; more hopeless than ever before. I stood from my bed and went to put a hand on his shoulder, but before my touch could even reach him, he had smacked my hand away.

It startled me at first, but then I realized that I was crossing boundaries I wasn't allowed to, and I stopped blaming Armin for things he hadn't done.

I ate breakfast without him. It was delicious, and I let Hange know, despite how awkward I felt being around her. There was a tension between us that had lasted since the summer. We both shared a truth that we were too afraid to vocalize, and a guilt that weighed too heavily upon us.

When I returned upstairs, Armin was nowhere to be found, but I could see a strip of light underneath the bathroom door. I wasn't going to bother entering, but then I heard a telltale sniff, and there was no way I was leaving him alone in there.

I wiggled the handle and found, surprisingly, that it was unlocked. This was unusual as of late, but I wasn't complaining.

Armin sat against the cabinets under the sink, in that upright fetal position that I hated to see. The periwinkle rug was stained with carmine red, blood that could only belong to the miserable boy atop it.

I picked up the shiny silver razor from the counter, staining my fingers with blood in the process. Panic rose within me as I knelt down on the rug again, trying to pry Armin's arms away from him so I could assess the damage. He stiffened, and just like earlier he swatted me away.

"Don't touch me," he sobbed, and his words felt like a knife through my chest.

"Armin, please," I begged. "Just let me see."

He shook his head, but I didn't give up so easily. "I just wanna help you. Please let me."

The blonde, still shivering with sobs, reluctantly extended his wrists to me. They were a bloody mess, crimson liquid still dripping down steadily. All of his old scars had been split open, and new ones littered any available place. It terrified me. He had done this on purpose; all of it.

Instead of panicking, however, which I knew would only upset him more, I kept my voice even. "Stay here, okay? I'm going to go get bandages."

Armin nodded, sniffing and wiping tears away with his fingers. I exited the bathroom and bolted down the stairs, digging through countless cabinets until I found a roll of bandages. I ran back to our room and back to Armin, who remained as he was before.

Carefully, I mopped up the blood with a damp cloth, applying pressure where needed. Armin winced a little, his tears still flowing. He seemed calmer now, however. The stifled anxiety attack upon my entrance had disappeared. Maybe it was just that he needed someone.

After slowly wrapping his wrists in bandages, I settled back on my heels, staring down at the rug, still stained with a reminder of Armin's misery.

He sniffed again. "I'm sorry," he squeaked.

"It's not your fault," I answered.

"Yes it is." He said it so softly, I almost missed it.

"No. It's mine. That day, I..."

I could feel his eyes on me, and I choked on my words.

"Levi took you away and...the door was locked, I was scared and I...Hange wouldn't get out of the car, and...I let it happen, I'm sorry..."

I couldn't look at him. I was so awful. Armin was completely silent, and I was so convinced that he would be angry that I found myself shielding my face.

Then there was a gentle hand on my arm. I lowered my shield to see Armin staring at me, but I couldn't read his expression. Our eyes met.

"You didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing you could do anyway." Despite his words, there was intense pain that did not drown in the oceans of his eyes.

"But it hurts you. Does it hurt to think about?"

Armin's face fell. He nodded, and our brief moment of eye contact was destroyed.

I flashed back to the sadistic man's hands traveling all over Armin's exposed body, and how he'd hit him when he hadn't obeyed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forget how terrified he had sounded when he was taken against his will. The nausea racked my body violently once again.

The boy across from me squeezed his eyes shut, fresh tears leaking out. "Sometimes I don't wanna be here anymore," he mumbled, pressing his palms into his eyes and taking a gasping breath in.

I wasn't sure what he meant. "Here? With me?"

He shook his head. "Here. Alive."

My heart skipped a beat. Never before had Armin expressed so much of his feelings in words, and I was astonished that he still trusted me enough to reveal things such as that. But now I knew I had to be scared for him.

Gingerly, I put my arms around him, still unsure if the gesture would make him uncomfortable. It didn't, and he slumped against me like a weight. He didn't stay like this for long, however. He sat back up, still unable to regain eye contact, even though I wanted to get lost in his cerulean orbs. The tension was thick, and I found myself cradling his face in my hands for a moment before we leaned in together, diving right into the kiss. It was messy and disorganized, not to mention the fact that Armin was very uncoordinated and was not pacing himself at all. But, in my eyes, it was perfect. After longing for his touch for so long, my body was exploding with various sensations. I couldn't handle it properly.

I broke away with a gasp, my lungs aching for oxygen. Armin was the same, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. I could hear his quick breaths in my ear, and feel the warm air on my skin, making a trail of goosebumps crop up there. He wrapped his arms around my back, tightly.

"You make life worth living," he whispered.

When I didn't respond due to the tears that pricked the back of my eyelids, he brushed a kiss at my neck. "I love you."

I was unsure if I should return the sentiment that left me breathless. The tears escaped from behind my closed eyes, falling onto Armin's skin.

We ended up back in the kitchen, and Armin decided to have his breakfast. Hange couldn't help but smile hesitantly as she saw that he was willingly eating. Her eyes found the bandages and she frowned, however, and she beckoned me out of the kitchen. We weren't going to discuss Armin's well-being right in front of him, after all.

"Is he alright? What happened?" she asked in a hushed voice. Her worrying, though coming from a place of good intentions, could be a bit overbearing sometimes.

"He's okay," I assured her. "We worked things out. He's fine. I'll keep an eye on him. But he seems like he's doing better. So you don't have to worry so much, okay?"

Hange nodded, but her expression reflected that she was still somewhat upset. I sighed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"We talked about the summer. He's still really hurting. But I'll be there for him. I promise. I'm not letting anything else happen to him."

"But Eren, you can't promise that. Levi, he..." Hange trailed off, biting her lip. I made a gesture as for her to continue, but she didn't.

"Levi what?" I snapped, impatience seizing control of my rationality. I shouldn't have been speaking so loudly with the blonde right in the other room. He was really quite observant, so he likely wouldn't miss it.

Hange put a finger up to her lips to silence me, eyes wide. We were wrong and we knew it, but there was no sense in being open about it.

I didn't get my answer, however, as   
Armin exited the kitchen, face expressionless. He held a small, paperback book, but from the way he held it, it didn't seem that he had particular intentions to read it at the moment.

I figured I should take up the opportunity to spend time with him, and I found myself blurting out, "Hey Armin, wanna go to Mikasa's house?"

His solemn eyes brightened as subtly as possible, but I still considered that a victory. I found myself grinning.

"Can we get a ride to our friend's house?" I questioned Hange, giving her a rather pointed look. I made sure that she knew I wasn't finished with our conversation.

The brunette sighed, replacing her exasperation with cheerfulness once again. "Of course," she answered.

It was a brief car ride. Armin still didn't sit in the middle, though. I knew things weren't going to improve as quickly as they had seemed to in the bathroom, but it was still frustrating.

In reminding myself of all the things Armin had been through, that I knew about at least, I realized the only selfish one was me. And so I told my mind to quit with those thoughts.

Pulling up in the driveway, I thanked Hange, and Armin and I departed from the car. We could walk back.

Mikasa was eighteen, a whole two years older than us, and she lived alone. She had the kind of independence I strived to one day achieve, and the confidence I wished I had currently. Upon answering the door, her indigo eyes narrowed in surprise, traveling back and forth from me to the blonde beside me.

Having not seen Armin since the summer, she greeted him first, sweeping him into an embrace before he got any chance to say otherwise.

"How are you, Armin?" she inquired gently, her voice velvety and soothing as she rocked back and forth, doing all she could to ease Armin's tense demeanor. "Eren's been around, I've heard you're not feeling too great lately."

Armin shrugged, finally relaxing into her arms at her motherly manner. Mikasa knew about the nature of Armin's self-destructive behavior, although not in full detail, as some things were just too difficult to discuss. It was beneficial to have a third party that Armin could trust, because if I ever failed, Mikasa would be right there to catch him before he fell.

"Do you two want to come in? I can make you something to eat or drink, whatever you want."

"Okay," I agreed. Armin took my hand then, linking our fingers together for the first time since that fateful day. In that moment, I knew. Things would never be perfect. But they could always improve.


End file.
